Single Life

It is so weird to think of myself as single now. I am not ready for this. The whole single life. I was far happier in a relationship. Far, far happier.
Don't get me wrong, I brought all this on myself, but I never wished or intended for any of this.
I could be going out and doing whatever, but I don't want to. I am still thinking "lid wouldn't like this," or "I can't do that because it wouldn't be fair." I suppose I am within my rights to, being single and all, but it is not what I want.
It would also be really easy to fall back into bad habits. Again, this is not for me. I did it once and it got me into a place I didn't want to be. If I am serious about changing and being a better person, then that can't be in my life any longer. It shouldn't have been in the first place, but that is why it is a mistake. I fell into it not wanting to get to the stage where it did. That happened and I never want to do that ever again.
As I read somewhere "The most important time to never give up is when it is the hardest. The harder & darker it seems the closer you are to a breakthrough." and this is something that I hope she realises.
It isn't because I don't love her I made these mistakes. That couldn't be further from the truth. I love her more than she can ever know. I just didn't show her enough. That is the part that hurts the most. I really want to show her I value her, but I can't. I couldn't.
I think the reason I did all this was I wanted some gratification and attention, but without the confrontation or I suppose making s big effort. As I started this at a time when there was an argument around every corner, it was a stupid way of getting kicks. Then it snowballed and effectively became a part of my life. A subconscious thing that I did without thinking how far things were snowballing, beyond my control.
So what I am trying to say is I don't like this single life and still want my world to revolve around that small, beautiful, blonde bombshell. She is by far the best thing I ever had in my life and I still love her more than she thinks.
I am not trying to justify what I did, but it doesn't take away the fact that I still love her. That she still means the world to me. I know she probably doesn't see that. She probably thinks I don't love her. She deserves better from me or anyone, but I want to show her I can give her everything and be the man who completes her. No mistakes. No lies. All truth.
"The only person who is truly holding you back is you. No more excuses, it's time to change. It's time to live life at a new level!"