Well after having a mental blackout for the past, I dunno, 4 days; I have decided it is time to snap out of it and be happy for what I have. Yes all this was my fault, so I hate myself completely, but it is not going to help anyone if I work myself into a state.
To help myself I bought the latest version of Football Manager yesterday. Unfortunately my laptop had a problem. It didn't like CDs.
What is that about?!
So it took my dad until 2 in the morning to sort the problem. But thank god. It is sorted! Turns out there was a problem with some program I downloaded in 2010. Way to stay in working order!! Thankfully all it needed was removing, but that was after going around the houses.
Anyway, in other (more important) news my ex (as she is now called) has decided that we should have a month without contact. Then after this month, around Nov 22, we can talk and meet up and see where we stand. This is not to say that everything will be all rosey and work out, but at least we get time to let the dust settle and find ourselves again.
I was slipping away into sone bad habits towards the end of what we had. Mostly I wasn't thinking about what I was doing either. And the funny thing is that it took me to do them to realise what I wasn't doing and how I should have behaved.
If things do work out, I am going to try my hardest to be so much better. I need to lower my defences and let her in, instead of worrying about everything. I owe that to myself as much as to her. That was what I think led me to avoid almost everything in the first place. To avoid any kind of confrontation and get what I wanted without a certain type of repercussion was I think what led me down the wrong paths. I know that was wrong. Because I love her I should have spoken about these things, we should have been as close as close can be, but I just couldn't see this. All I could see was myself getting into trouble or not being able to work through things.
On the other hand, if we do not work things out, well at least we have had time to come to terms with everything and get to know ourselves better.
Whatever happens I can say that she was the best thing to ever happen to me and helped make my dreams reality. I just wish I was able to do that for her too.
P.s I don't think I will be ranting as much as I was. Well I hope not. I hope it is more a journey of discovery now, rather than a journey of tears, sadness and depression. No one deserves that.
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