Friday night musings

As I was sitting there eating my dominos pizza I couldn't help but think "wow. It's Friday night. It's Halloween. Yet I am in." I would have thought that since Breaking up I would have wanted to go out whenever and wherever I can. But strangely, I am happy not doing anything. Sitting in and doing nothing suits me fine.
I know it would be now to go out and have a laugh, but it wouldn't make me any happier on the inside. I know I am single now (well I still don't like to think of it that way. It is too hard to think of yet), but I don't want to be living that life. The worst thing is the life I want to be living and the laughs I want to be having, I messed up.
Coming back to that word: single. It really sets me back. Sends shivers down my spine. It is horrible to think about, but the unfortunate thing is that it's true. Especially now, the time of year when there are so many special occasions. I just want to spend them with someone I love.
An even worse example is; there is this show on tv call an idiot abroad. I haven't watched any of the new series yet because we used to watch it all together. But my nephew, who I am babysitting, loves it so I have to have it on. It is just so hard to think that I am
Not snuggled up with her watching this and laughing at Karl's stupidity. It's just another thing to add to the list of things I wish we could still do.
I am not sure what she thinks about this. But I sure as hell miss every minute. Every minute this goes on my heart sinks more and there is nothing I can do about it. I just hope she doesn't think I am loving life or liking this time to myself. Because it is not true. It is quite possibly the hardest thing I have done.
I just hope I can avoid these feelings around Bon fire night or Christmas, if it goes that far. Because like it or not I have no one to share even the littlest moments with any more. Yes it was my fault, but I just wish and hope everyday that we can make it better. That we can get to a place where we can Be each others best friend again. I know it might be unlikely, but I will fight for it tooth and nail. I still lover her and she is still my world, even if she isn't in mine.