Reflection

Well this has been an eventful day. Tears. Smiles. Tears. Tvs. Footy training.
I will first tell you why so many tears. I was given back all of the stuff I gave my girlfriend for the entire year and s half we were together. That was so hard looking at all that. It felt like I was being erased. Like I was no longer in her head. Well I know I will be, but it really strikes a nerve that I am not wanted any more.
Even little things like a plane ticket stub were given to me. It is unimaginably hard to look at it all. I just broke down. My mum had to hide it all some place. Which I suppose is for the best.
Then I went to see my good friends to talk about everything and get some advice and encouragement. Needless to say they weren't impressed by what I had done, but also sympathetic because they can see how someone could fall into the trap that I did.
Looking for some kind if attention when we were going through a tough time was when it started. They made me see that I was craving the attention that didn't lead to any confrontation. However, this became somewhat an addiction after time. Something that I did in almost a subconscious trance. I didn't even like what I was doing. It is something that I can learn from and confront if I am faced with the situation again.
They also made me see that I have to give my ex her space. If she changes her mind later, or not. She needs to find her feet and let things settle.
As it is her first real anything it is always going to hurt more and all be seen in a bigger light. This is something I have to accept and hope she realises I am still worth taking a risk on. I mean the love is still there, so why can't we work on things like trust?
Anyway, it is time to let the dust settle. Time to find a routine. Time to try and smile again. Even if it is like I have a soul missing.