Happiness

As I have been sitting here most of the day, thinking, I can't help thinking of how horrible it is for not just me but for Lidi to not be happy.
All I ever wanted is to be happy and for her to be the same. I can't believe I took that away, but I hope to one day make it up to her. If not then I will just have to make myself as happy as if she was with me still.
I know I keep holding on to this, but it is the regret and hatred inside me that keeps putting the blame right on me. For everything.
There actually isn't a moment in the day that I don't think about the stuff we could do in the future. Stuff like: have kids, get married, go on holiday again, get a place, go to theme parks, see some gigs etc. stuff that I know myself now might never again have a chance to happen.
Every where I turn I see something we could have done. And it is my fault.
I don't want her to feel like she is the reason I am not happy or she is not happy.
It might have been true that we had a bad patch of arguments and we were finding things difficult at stages, but nothing was her fault. I should know much better. I love her. I should show her that. But what happened, happened. I can't change that. I just want to have the chance at making things right.
I hate the thought of her as an ex. It doesn't fit. It's not right. And I don't want to be hers. It makes things sound as if they are firmly in the past. They're not. They are here and now. I just wish there was another way to say it.
I just wish this happiness can return. For me, but mainly her. Her because it's not in her nature to be this down. She deserves all the happiness she can get. If I can't give it to her, then I hope she finds a way of being even more happy than I could ever make her.