A bad morning

Today is a bad day for me already. It hasn't been a morning to remember. In fact I could say it is one of the worst I have had.
I have been struggling a lot today. Everything has hit me hard. Harder that it has done for a while.
The first time I noticed that it was going to be a real struggle today was as soon as I woke up. I miss waking up with her next to me. There is a big space in the bed. A space that was usually filled by her beautiful, petite figure. Now it is just empty.
I really do miss the times when I would force her to get up. Play with her and mess around having giggles. Pulling the sheet of her and the morning hugs. Getting warm in each others arms.
After coming to reluctantly accept this fact, it was off to football I went. Football on a frost bitten, dew soaked field, that was going to get battered by intermittent rain showers. Just to churn up the mud.
This, as a sub, is not the ideal conditions. It is too cold to be standing around. And when I finally did get on the pitch, I revived a yellow card for being pushed. What a shambles! The referee today was in a world of his own.
So to compound this misery, after the game (we lost 5-1 undeservedly), I went back to the changing rooms and checked my phone. Nothing. No texts. No calls. Nothing.
I used to at least have one text from her, waiting. This made me feel very down. I like to know that I came back and she was thinking of me. It made me feel great. No matter what the text was, at least I felt that there was someone out there who really cared.
So as if I wasn't feeling lonely enough, I just has to take it that one step further down.
I checked twitter, after getting out of my rain soaked, mud splattered kit, and stumbled across a few of her tweets. She was talking about having a bath and relaxing etc. I know it is not something that you think would compound my misery a tad more, but it did.
I just miss the option of us having a bath or shower together. The idea of relaxing, even with a massage, with her is something that always hits me hard. I notice she put that she wanted a massage too. I would gladly give her one all over her body. I miss just running my hands up and down her back/her legs or on her feet to loosen her muscles and put her at ease.
Just lying together on a bed or in a bath with her next to me would be heaven. I loved cuddling her. Having her soft skin pressed against mine. I might not have showed it too often, but I really did love it. It made me feel so good.
Now I have the rest of the day to mull all of this over. The football that is shouting at me from the tv is a giant blur. Nothing can stop me thinking about all of these little things. These things that I should have showed I valued a whole lot more.
If this is it for us, that will be my biggest regret. Not that what I did wouldn't be THE biggest regret, but just not being able to show her how much I loved doing the little things with her would be up there.
So, a free house and nothing to do apart from sink into these thoughts lay await for me today. I will try my best to not let myself get dragged down too much, but I am filled with a million regrets. The best thing I can do now is try and make the most of the moment and not let it spiral out of control.
If only I could go back and change things. Show her what I feel for her. Show her how much I really do love her.
The beauty of hindsight. A wonderfully irritating thing.