I know the economy is bad and jobs are hard to come by; I mean you don't have to tell me, I am Mr. Jobseekers Allowance after all. The amount of jobs that I have applied for is absolutely ridiculous. If I had done this 10 years ago then I would like to think I would have walked into a job.
The factor that makes matters worse is that employers can afford to be the most picky group. No matter how good you are, no matter what qualifications you have, they can turn you down on the smallest of points. And this is the shining reason that I can't even have a look in on the most simple minded of jobs.
Case in point would be from my interview the other day. I had to wait around 20 to 25 minutes before I even got called up to the main office. Left wracking and biting my nails in a freezing cold waiting area. But with that out of the way, I had to focus on the task at hand. It was with a part of the NHS and I did my upmost to give off the best and most employable impression I could. I answered every question as honestly and conscientiously as I could and even covered points that weren't even asked. I made myself approachable, friendly and down to earth, yet professional, focussed and willing to achieve. I gave myself every opportunity I could to sell my main attributes, whilst skilfully trying to down play my flaws.
After all was said and done I felt pretty proud and pleased of what I had said and the answers that were given, even struck up some friendly banter. As the goodbyes were said, the gentleman that had been interviewing me quietly said, "off the record, that was an excellent interview." Not good, no no, excellent. The only thought through my mind at this point was wow. Excellent. For me the job was done. To say that too me, well I must have nailed it. That job has my name all over it.
Fast forward 3 hours and the results are in. Sitting there in my inbox. Looking at me. Staring. Is this it? Is this my lifeline?..."unfortunately...." What?! No. No job for me? What? How can this be? I was excellent. Excellent he said. The person who got that job had to either be absolutely outstanding or have a tad more experience. Or...it is my destiny to not get a job. My cash is now non existent and my ambition is ebbing away.
I have one more interview before the turn of the year and hopefully this is the one to save me from oblivion. I am sinking without a trace. A well educated, skilled, hard working individual that is willing to do the best he can at anything and no one wants me. While I bet these benefit grabbing, lazy louts just walk into some form of employment.
Forget the euro zone crisis, let's look at the employment crisis. More importantly the get Sam into work crisis.
Saturday, 10 December 2011
Sunday, 30 October 2011
Single Life
It is so weird to think of myself as single now. I am not ready for this. The whole single life. I was far happier in a relationship. Far, far happier.
Don't get me wrong, I brought all this on myself, but I never wished or intended for any of this.
I could be going out and doing whatever, but I don't want to. I am still thinking "lid wouldn't like this," or "I can't do that because it wouldn't be fair." I suppose I am within my rights to, being single and all, but it is not what I want.
It would also be really easy to fall back into bad habits. Again, this is not for me. I did it once and it got me into a place I didn't want to be. If I am serious about changing and being a better person, then that can't be in my life any longer. It shouldn't have been in the first place, but that is why it is a mistake. I fell into it not wanting to get to the stage where it did. That happened and I never want to do that ever again.
As I read somewhere "The most important time to never give up is when it is the hardest. The harder & darker it seems the closer you are to a breakthrough." and this is something that I hope she realises.
It isn't because I don't love her I made these mistakes. That couldn't be further from the truth. I love her more than she can ever know. I just didn't show her enough. That is the part that hurts the most. I really want to show her I value her, but I can't. I couldn't.
I think the reason I did all this was I wanted some gratification and attention, but without the confrontation or I suppose making s big effort. As I started this at a time when there was an argument around every corner, it was a stupid way of getting kicks. Then it snowballed and effectively became a part of my life. A subconscious thing that I did without thinking how far things were snowballing, beyond my control.
So what I am trying to say is I don't like this single life and still want my world to revolve around that small, beautiful, blonde bombshell. She is by far the best thing I ever had in my life and I still love her more than she thinks.
I am not trying to justify what I did, but it doesn't take away the fact that I still love her. That she still means the world to me. I know she probably doesn't see that. She probably thinks I don't love her. She deserves better from me or anyone, but I want to show her I can give her everything and be the man who completes her. No mistakes. No lies. All truth.
"The only person who is truly holding you back is you. No more excuses, it's time to change. It's time to live life at a new level!"
Don't get me wrong, I brought all this on myself, but I never wished or intended for any of this.
I could be going out and doing whatever, but I don't want to. I am still thinking "lid wouldn't like this," or "I can't do that because it wouldn't be fair." I suppose I am within my rights to, being single and all, but it is not what I want.
It would also be really easy to fall back into bad habits. Again, this is not for me. I did it once and it got me into a place I didn't want to be. If I am serious about changing and being a better person, then that can't be in my life any longer. It shouldn't have been in the first place, but that is why it is a mistake. I fell into it not wanting to get to the stage where it did. That happened and I never want to do that ever again.
As I read somewhere "The most important time to never give up is when it is the hardest. The harder & darker it seems the closer you are to a breakthrough." and this is something that I hope she realises.
It isn't because I don't love her I made these mistakes. That couldn't be further from the truth. I love her more than she can ever know. I just didn't show her enough. That is the part that hurts the most. I really want to show her I value her, but I can't. I couldn't.
I think the reason I did all this was I wanted some gratification and attention, but without the confrontation or I suppose making s big effort. As I started this at a time when there was an argument around every corner, it was a stupid way of getting kicks. Then it snowballed and effectively became a part of my life. A subconscious thing that I did without thinking how far things were snowballing, beyond my control.
So what I am trying to say is I don't like this single life and still want my world to revolve around that small, beautiful, blonde bombshell. She is by far the best thing I ever had in my life and I still love her more than she thinks.
I am not trying to justify what I did, but it doesn't take away the fact that I still love her. That she still means the world to me. I know she probably doesn't see that. She probably thinks I don't love her. She deserves better from me or anyone, but I want to show her I can give her everything and be the man who completes her. No mistakes. No lies. All truth.
"The only person who is truly holding you back is you. No more excuses, it's time to change. It's time to live life at a new level!"
Saturday, 29 October 2011
Poems From My Heart
I am not sure how these poems will be taken. I wrote them without much editing. But they should cover a lot of what I am feeling. They can be taken however you want to take them, but they go so far as to address some of the thoughts in my head. They may be no good, but at least I gave it a go. There might be more ways of telling these feelings than the ways I have done in these poems, but at the moment they are all I can create without getting massive headaches (as poetry always gives me) and pains of emotions running throughout my body. I hope you like them anyway...
Golden Forrest
The trees on this path have lost their leaves,
I see them lying, strewn across the floor,
Their edges withered, their colour gone,
The saddest picture I ever saw.
Once this path lit up with joy,
Trees glistened with golden hue,
Flowers burst with scents of heaven,
And it always welcomed you.
Now it fights for life,
Left all battered and bruised,
Something bad has happened,
But it never fights to lose.
You can see it’s hurt,
Its heart is blue and black,
But inside it’s full of colour,
Vibrant and true.
I hope it can recover,
There is so much more to see
I want to reach the end and share its wonders with you.
My Wrongs
My stomach keeps churning,
And my mind is a blur.
There are lessons I am learning,
All because of what I did to her.
I made some big mistakes,
And took a lot for granted.
My love was never faked,
Although it might look slanted.
My heart is wholly yours,
And in that there is no lie.
We should have been secure,
And now the end looks nigh.
I miss you more each day,
And all I have is regrets.
For forgiveness I do prey,
But my wrongs I shall never forget.
I want to be who I should have,
And make your heart stop hurting.
To rejoin our two halves,
And our love, the reasserting.
Thinking with my Ed
Just thought I'd post these because they made me think/reflect today. I don't know whether they are relevant but they stirred a feeling deep in me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b226h8fAN6o&feature=youtube_gdata_player
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7EdnpWDDoq0&feature=youtube_gdata_player
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CoHuDaOxCjU&feature=youtube_gdata_player
And this last one just because I miss her and some things are how I am feeling. Not sure if it is exactly right, in context, but it means something to me anyway.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U3NIySFOMQw&feature=youtube_gdata_player
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b226h8fAN6o&feature=youtube_gdata_player
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7EdnpWDDoq0&feature=youtube_gdata_player
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CoHuDaOxCjU&feature=youtube_gdata_player
And this last one just because I miss her and some things are how I am feeling. Not sure if it is exactly right, in context, but it means something to me anyway.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U3NIySFOMQw&feature=youtube_gdata_player
A bad morning
Today is a bad day for me already. It hasn't been a morning to remember. In fact I could say it is one of the worst I have had.
I have been struggling a lot today. Everything has hit me hard. Harder that it has done for a while.
The first time I noticed that it was going to be a real struggle today was as soon as I woke up. I miss waking up with her next to me. There is a big space in the bed. A space that was usually filled by her beautiful, petite figure. Now it is just empty.
I really do miss the times when I would force her to get up. Play with her and mess around having giggles. Pulling the sheet of her and the morning hugs. Getting warm in each others arms.
After coming to reluctantly accept this fact, it was off to football I went. Football on a frost bitten, dew soaked field, that was going to get battered by intermittent rain showers. Just to churn up the mud.
This, as a sub, is not the ideal conditions. It is too cold to be standing around. And when I finally did get on the pitch, I revived a yellow card for being pushed. What a shambles! The referee today was in a world of his own.
So to compound this misery, after the game (we lost 5-1 undeservedly), I went back to the changing rooms and checked my phone. Nothing. No texts. No calls. Nothing.
I used to at least have one text from her, waiting. This made me feel very down. I like to know that I came back and she was thinking of me. It made me feel great. No matter what the text was, at least I felt that there was someone out there who really cared.
So as if I wasn't feeling lonely enough, I just has to take it that one step further down.
I checked twitter, after getting out of my rain soaked, mud splattered kit, and stumbled across a few of her tweets. She was talking about having a bath and relaxing etc. I know it is not something that you think would compound my misery a tad more, but it did.
I just miss the option of us having a bath or shower together. The idea of relaxing, even with a massage, with her is something that always hits me hard. I notice she put that she wanted a massage too. I would gladly give her one all over her body. I miss just running my hands up and down her back/her legs or on her feet to loosen her muscles and put her at ease.
Just lying together on a bed or in a bath with her next to me would be heaven. I loved cuddling her. Having her soft skin pressed against mine. I might not have showed it too often, but I really did love it. It made me feel so good.
Now I have the rest of the day to mull all of this over. The football that is shouting at me from the tv is a giant blur. Nothing can stop me thinking about all of these little things. These things that I should have showed I valued a whole lot more.
If this is it for us, that will be my biggest regret. Not that what I did wouldn't be THE biggest regret, but just not being able to show her how much I loved doing the little things with her would be up there.
So, a free house and nothing to do apart from sink into these thoughts lay await for me today. I will try my best to not let myself get dragged down too much, but I am filled with a million regrets. The best thing I can do now is try and make the most of the moment and not let it spiral out of control.
If only I could go back and change things. Show her what I feel for her. Show her how much I really do love her.
The beauty of hindsight. A wonderfully irritating thing.
I have been struggling a lot today. Everything has hit me hard. Harder that it has done for a while.
The first time I noticed that it was going to be a real struggle today was as soon as I woke up. I miss waking up with her next to me. There is a big space in the bed. A space that was usually filled by her beautiful, petite figure. Now it is just empty.
I really do miss the times when I would force her to get up. Play with her and mess around having giggles. Pulling the sheet of her and the morning hugs. Getting warm in each others arms.
After coming to reluctantly accept this fact, it was off to football I went. Football on a frost bitten, dew soaked field, that was going to get battered by intermittent rain showers. Just to churn up the mud.
This, as a sub, is not the ideal conditions. It is too cold to be standing around. And when I finally did get on the pitch, I revived a yellow card for being pushed. What a shambles! The referee today was in a world of his own.
So to compound this misery, after the game (we lost 5-1 undeservedly), I went back to the changing rooms and checked my phone. Nothing. No texts. No calls. Nothing.
I used to at least have one text from her, waiting. This made me feel very down. I like to know that I came back and she was thinking of me. It made me feel great. No matter what the text was, at least I felt that there was someone out there who really cared.
So as if I wasn't feeling lonely enough, I just has to take it that one step further down.
I checked twitter, after getting out of my rain soaked, mud splattered kit, and stumbled across a few of her tweets. She was talking about having a bath and relaxing etc. I know it is not something that you think would compound my misery a tad more, but it did.
I just miss the option of us having a bath or shower together. The idea of relaxing, even with a massage, with her is something that always hits me hard. I notice she put that she wanted a massage too. I would gladly give her one all over her body. I miss just running my hands up and down her back/her legs or on her feet to loosen her muscles and put her at ease.
Just lying together on a bed or in a bath with her next to me would be heaven. I loved cuddling her. Having her soft skin pressed against mine. I might not have showed it too often, but I really did love it. It made me feel so good.
Now I have the rest of the day to mull all of this over. The football that is shouting at me from the tv is a giant blur. Nothing can stop me thinking about all of these little things. These things that I should have showed I valued a whole lot more.
If this is it for us, that will be my biggest regret. Not that what I did wouldn't be THE biggest regret, but just not being able to show her how much I loved doing the little things with her would be up there.
So, a free house and nothing to do apart from sink into these thoughts lay await for me today. I will try my best to not let myself get dragged down too much, but I am filled with a million regrets. The best thing I can do now is try and make the most of the moment and not let it spiral out of control.
If only I could go back and change things. Show her what I feel for her. Show her how much I really do love her.
The beauty of hindsight. A wonderfully irritating thing.
Friday, 28 October 2011
Friday night musings
As I was sitting there eating my dominos pizza I couldn't help but think "wow. It's Friday night. It's Halloween. Yet I am in." I would have thought that since Breaking up I would have wanted to go out whenever and wherever I can. But strangely, I am happy not doing anything. Sitting in and doing nothing suits me fine.
I know it would be now to go out and have a laugh, but it wouldn't make me any happier on the inside. I know I am single now (well I still don't like to think of it that way. It is too hard to think of yet), but I don't want to be living that life. The worst thing is the life I want to be living and the laughs I want to be having, I messed up.
Coming back to that word: single. It really sets me back. Sends shivers down my spine. It is horrible to think about, but the unfortunate thing is that it's true. Especially now, the time of year when there are so many special occasions. I just want to spend them with someone I love.
An even worse example is; there is this show on tv call an idiot abroad. I haven't watched any of the new series yet because we used to watch it all together. But my nephew, who I am babysitting, loves it so I have to have it on. It is just so hard to think that I am
Not snuggled up with her watching this and laughing at Karl's stupidity. It's just another thing to add to the list of things I wish we could still do.
I am not sure what she thinks about this. But I sure as hell miss every minute. Every minute this goes on my heart sinks more and there is nothing I can do about it. I just hope she doesn't think I am loving life or liking this time to myself. Because it is not true. It is quite possibly the hardest thing I have done.
I just hope I can avoid these feelings around Bon fire night or Christmas, if it goes that far. Because like it or not I have no one to share even the littlest moments with any more. Yes it was my fault, but I just wish and hope everyday that we can make it better. That we can get to a place where we can Be each others best friend again. I know it might be unlikely, but I will fight for it tooth and nail. I still lover her and she is still my world, even if she isn't in mine.
I know it would be now to go out and have a laugh, but it wouldn't make me any happier on the inside. I know I am single now (well I still don't like to think of it that way. It is too hard to think of yet), but I don't want to be living that life. The worst thing is the life I want to be living and the laughs I want to be having, I messed up.
Coming back to that word: single. It really sets me back. Sends shivers down my spine. It is horrible to think about, but the unfortunate thing is that it's true. Especially now, the time of year when there are so many special occasions. I just want to spend them with someone I love.
An even worse example is; there is this show on tv call an idiot abroad. I haven't watched any of the new series yet because we used to watch it all together. But my nephew, who I am babysitting, loves it so I have to have it on. It is just so hard to think that I am
Not snuggled up with her watching this and laughing at Karl's stupidity. It's just another thing to add to the list of things I wish we could still do.
I am not sure what she thinks about this. But I sure as hell miss every minute. Every minute this goes on my heart sinks more and there is nothing I can do about it. I just hope she doesn't think I am loving life or liking this time to myself. Because it is not true. It is quite possibly the hardest thing I have done.
I just hope I can avoid these feelings around Bon fire night or Christmas, if it goes that far. Because like it or not I have no one to share even the littlest moments with any more. Yes it was my fault, but I just wish and hope everyday that we can make it better. That we can get to a place where we can Be each others best friend again. I know it might be unlikely, but I will fight for it tooth and nail. I still lover her and she is still my world, even if she isn't in mine.
What an odd day
I entitled this an odd day because I have just done nothing much but think about things. Good things, bad things, happy things, sad things and Dewi!
Right let's go over the good things first. Start positive. Well I earned myself a few bob by being a taxi and a babysitter, which is brilliant and also have a dominos on the way. I had to sign on as well so that's more money for me. So basically the good things today have mainly centred around me getting some dollar.
Right now onto my sad thoughts. I have been looking at past pictures and just random ones. Not necessarily me and her, but each one I felt really sad about. I know it sounds dull, but I can't be in silly pictures with her or cuddly ones anymore. I really did want to create a collage of our adventures together but that is an idea that had to stop before it started. I have also been thinking about the fun we could be having at Halloween and Bon fire night. It is always nice to spend every occasion with someone you love and this, even if it is going badly, is no exception. I would love nothing more than to stand there my arms wrapped around her, watching all the colours burst into life in the star lit sky.
I also have seen a few things like adverts or clothes or food and can't help thinking I want to tell her about them because she would like them. Well at least I should think she would.
Although I have to look forward and not back it doesn't get easier knowing that the person who i want to spend the rest of time with doesn't want to be with me. And only because of things I have done.
I say this a lot, but I wish I could take it all away. Especially her pain. I would take it all and keep it in me. Let me hurt. She doesn't deserve that.
Well like I said odd. Odd because although I have coasted through on a wave of good vibes, I also have a lot of deep set sadness that isn't going anywhere fast.
Oh and another odd thing is I was visited by Dewi today. He is Barry's answer to Karl Pilkington. Less bald, but just as awkward. A picture of him will follow! It is not to be missed. A true beast.
So here is to thinking the best of things. I just hope it helps. I am willing to do anything. Be that to be happy without her or ecstatic with her. I just need to let this pain dissolve in the waters of time.
P.s. I got the job as manager of second division German side Fürth today on football manager. Definitely a challenge. I got them away with a 2-1 win in my first match so at least that's another positive.
Right let's go over the good things first. Start positive. Well I earned myself a few bob by being a taxi and a babysitter, which is brilliant and also have a dominos on the way. I had to sign on as well so that's more money for me. So basically the good things today have mainly centred around me getting some dollar.
Right now onto my sad thoughts. I have been looking at past pictures and just random ones. Not necessarily me and her, but each one I felt really sad about. I know it sounds dull, but I can't be in silly pictures with her or cuddly ones anymore. I really did want to create a collage of our adventures together but that is an idea that had to stop before it started. I have also been thinking about the fun we could be having at Halloween and Bon fire night. It is always nice to spend every occasion with someone you love and this, even if it is going badly, is no exception. I would love nothing more than to stand there my arms wrapped around her, watching all the colours burst into life in the star lit sky.
I also have seen a few things like adverts or clothes or food and can't help thinking I want to tell her about them because she would like them. Well at least I should think she would.
Although I have to look forward and not back it doesn't get easier knowing that the person who i want to spend the rest of time with doesn't want to be with me. And only because of things I have done.
I say this a lot, but I wish I could take it all away. Especially her pain. I would take it all and keep it in me. Let me hurt. She doesn't deserve that.
Well like I said odd. Odd because although I have coasted through on a wave of good vibes, I also have a lot of deep set sadness that isn't going anywhere fast.
Oh and another odd thing is I was visited by Dewi today. He is Barry's answer to Karl Pilkington. Less bald, but just as awkward. A picture of him will follow! It is not to be missed. A true beast.
So here is to thinking the best of things. I just hope it helps. I am willing to do anything. Be that to be happy without her or ecstatic with her. I just need to let this pain dissolve in the waters of time.
P.s. I got the job as manager of second division German side Fürth today on football manager. Definitely a challenge. I got them away with a 2-1 win in my first match so at least that's another positive.
Some more songs for today
These are just some more songs that show my mood for now
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sJByPs3pG1s&feature=youtube_gdata_player
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=09_c9HUCE64&feature=youtube_gdata_player
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kv_ykdPfBM4&feature=youtube_gdata_player
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mUE5g7usV-Y&feature=youtube_gdata_player
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DR_6csJaAMc&feature=youtube_gdata_player
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sJByPs3pG1s&feature=youtube_gdata_player
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=09_c9HUCE64&feature=youtube_gdata_player
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kv_ykdPfBM4&feature=youtube_gdata_player
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mUE5g7usV-Y&feature=youtube_gdata_player
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DR_6csJaAMc&feature=youtube_gdata_player
Thursday, 27 October 2011
Happiness
As I have been sitting here most of the day, thinking, I can't help thinking of how horrible it is for not just me but for Lidi to not be happy.
All I ever wanted is to be happy and for her to be the same. I can't believe I took that away, but I hope to one day make it up to her. If not then I will just have to make myself as happy as if she was with me still.
I know I keep holding on to this, but it is the regret and hatred inside me that keeps putting the blame right on me. For everything.
There actually isn't a moment in the day that I don't think about the stuff we could do in the future. Stuff like: have kids, get married, go on holiday again, get a place, go to theme parks, see some gigs etc. stuff that I know myself now might never again have a chance to happen.
Every where I turn I see something we could have done. And it is my fault.
I don't want her to feel like she is the reason I am not happy or she is not happy.
It might have been true that we had a bad patch of arguments and we were finding things difficult at stages, but nothing was her fault. I should know much better. I love her. I should show her that. But what happened, happened. I can't change that. I just want to have the chance at making things right.
I hate the thought of her as an ex. It doesn't fit. It's not right. And I don't want to be hers. It makes things sound as if they are firmly in the past. They're not. They are here and now. I just wish there was another way to say it.
I just wish this happiness can return. For me, but mainly her. Her because it's not in her nature to be this down. She deserves all the happiness she can get. If I can't give it to her, then I hope she finds a way of being even more happy than I could ever make her.
All I ever wanted is to be happy and for her to be the same. I can't believe I took that away, but I hope to one day make it up to her. If not then I will just have to make myself as happy as if she was with me still.
I know I keep holding on to this, but it is the regret and hatred inside me that keeps putting the blame right on me. For everything.
There actually isn't a moment in the day that I don't think about the stuff we could do in the future. Stuff like: have kids, get married, go on holiday again, get a place, go to theme parks, see some gigs etc. stuff that I know myself now might never again have a chance to happen.
Every where I turn I see something we could have done. And it is my fault.
I don't want her to feel like she is the reason I am not happy or she is not happy.
It might have been true that we had a bad patch of arguments and we were finding things difficult at stages, but nothing was her fault. I should know much better. I love her. I should show her that. But what happened, happened. I can't change that. I just want to have the chance at making things right.
I hate the thought of her as an ex. It doesn't fit. It's not right. And I don't want to be hers. It makes things sound as if they are firmly in the past. They're not. They are here and now. I just wish there was another way to say it.
I just wish this happiness can return. For me, but mainly her. Her because it's not in her nature to be this down. She deserves all the happiness she can get. If I can't give it to her, then I hope she finds a way of being even more happy than I could ever make her.
The Land of Bombay
My day today has been up and down. A lot of the day has been spent doing nothing. Just sitting around and reflecting on what has happened and what direction I want to take myself in the future.
I haven't been sitting around for my own good though. I have been waiting for my laptop to recognise it has a CD drive. Stupid thing stopped for an unknown reason about a month ago. After much head scratching and resetting me and my dad figured it all out. Just delete the local files!!
This success meant that I could get football manager 2012 up and running and update my iPhone. This as you can probably guess took up the rest of my afternoon. Not much productive work, mainly sitting waiting for things to finish.
The bright spot in this dull day was that I got to go over my good friend Benny's house and see him and Rosie.
Well what an event that was.
Running theme is the CD wasn't working. Well it did in the end but something is against me playing football games lately.
We had some good chats though. Nothing really productive but just some good old boy talk. Boy talk, Bacardi and Bombay Bicycle Club.
it was really good. Kept my mind of anything negative. Plus we also had a good old acoustic session from Benny on guitar. His range of song knowledge is ridiculous. He can play almost anything.
This chilled out session was just what I needed. Away from the stress and worry and hate I have been feeling. It gave me a chance to let go for a few hours and think of something different for a change.
I hope this is something that can happen more often because it would be better for me mentally. It would help me get away from negative feelings and think of how best I want my life to be.
I haven't been sitting around for my own good though. I have been waiting for my laptop to recognise it has a CD drive. Stupid thing stopped for an unknown reason about a month ago. After much head scratching and resetting me and my dad figured it all out. Just delete the local files!!
This success meant that I could get football manager 2012 up and running and update my iPhone. This as you can probably guess took up the rest of my afternoon. Not much productive work, mainly sitting waiting for things to finish.
The bright spot in this dull day was that I got to go over my good friend Benny's house and see him and Rosie.
Well what an event that was.
Running theme is the CD wasn't working. Well it did in the end but something is against me playing football games lately.
We had some good chats though. Nothing really productive but just some good old boy talk. Boy talk, Bacardi and Bombay Bicycle Club.
it was really good. Kept my mind of anything negative. Plus we also had a good old acoustic session from Benny on guitar. His range of song knowledge is ridiculous. He can play almost anything.
This chilled out session was just what I needed. Away from the stress and worry and hate I have been feeling. It gave me a chance to let go for a few hours and think of something different for a change.
I hope this is something that can happen more often because it would be better for me mentally. It would help me get away from negative feelings and think of how best I want my life to be.
Little Things
Over the past few weeks I have come to really miss the little things. Like being able to cuddle up, giving and receiving a massage, sitting watching TV, doing nothing and just talking about nothing.
That is the hardest thing I think. Coming to terms with missing those little things that were never noticed, but now mean everything.
It is weird how that works out.
Now my little things are me, talking to myself, playing games and going out with mates. As good as they may be they are no replacement.
Those things are missed a whole lot and will always be.
That is the hardest thing I think. Coming to terms with missing those little things that were never noticed, but now mean everything.
It is weird how that works out.
Now my little things are me, talking to myself, playing games and going out with mates. As good as they may be they are no replacement.
Those things are missed a whole lot and will always be.
New Start
Well after having a mental blackout for the past, I dunno, 4 days; I have decided it is time to snap out of it and be happy for what I have. Yes all this was my fault, so I hate myself completely, but it is not going to help anyone if I work myself into a state.
To help myself I bought the latest version of Football Manager yesterday. Unfortunately my laptop had a problem. It didn't like CDs.
What is that about?!
So it took my dad until 2 in the morning to sort the problem. But thank god. It is sorted! Turns out there was a problem with some program I downloaded in 2010. Way to stay in working order!! Thankfully all it needed was removing, but that was after going around the houses.
Anyway, in other (more important) news my ex (as she is now called) has decided that we should have a month without contact. Then after this month, around Nov 22, we can talk and meet up and see where we stand. This is not to say that everything will be all rosey and work out, but at least we get time to let the dust settle and find ourselves again.
I was slipping away into sone bad habits towards the end of what we had. Mostly I wasn't thinking about what I was doing either. And the funny thing is that it took me to do them to realise what I wasn't doing and how I should have behaved.
If things do work out, I am going to try my hardest to be so much better. I need to lower my defences and let her in, instead of worrying about everything. I owe that to myself as much as to her. That was what I think led me to avoid almost everything in the first place. To avoid any kind of confrontation and get what I wanted without a certain type of repercussion was I think what led me down the wrong paths. I know that was wrong. Because I love her I should have spoken about these things, we should have been as close as close can be, but I just couldn't see this. All I could see was myself getting into trouble or not being able to work through things.
On the other hand, if we do not work things out, well at least we have had time to come to terms with everything and get to know ourselves better.
Whatever happens I can say that she was the best thing to ever happen to me and helped make my dreams reality. I just wish I was able to do that for her too.
P.s I don't think I will be ranting as much as I was. Well I hope not. I hope it is more a journey of discovery now, rather than a journey of tears, sadness and depression. No one deserves that.
To help myself I bought the latest version of Football Manager yesterday. Unfortunately my laptop had a problem. It didn't like CDs.
What is that about?!
So it took my dad until 2 in the morning to sort the problem. But thank god. It is sorted! Turns out there was a problem with some program I downloaded in 2010. Way to stay in working order!! Thankfully all it needed was removing, but that was after going around the houses.
Anyway, in other (more important) news my ex (as she is now called) has decided that we should have a month without contact. Then after this month, around Nov 22, we can talk and meet up and see where we stand. This is not to say that everything will be all rosey and work out, but at least we get time to let the dust settle and find ourselves again.
I was slipping away into sone bad habits towards the end of what we had. Mostly I wasn't thinking about what I was doing either. And the funny thing is that it took me to do them to realise what I wasn't doing and how I should have behaved.
If things do work out, I am going to try my hardest to be so much better. I need to lower my defences and let her in, instead of worrying about everything. I owe that to myself as much as to her. That was what I think led me to avoid almost everything in the first place. To avoid any kind of confrontation and get what I wanted without a certain type of repercussion was I think what led me down the wrong paths. I know that was wrong. Because I love her I should have spoken about these things, we should have been as close as close can be, but I just couldn't see this. All I could see was myself getting into trouble or not being able to work through things.
On the other hand, if we do not work things out, well at least we have had time to come to terms with everything and get to know ourselves better.
Whatever happens I can say that she was the best thing to ever happen to me and helped make my dreams reality. I just wish I was able to do that for her too.
P.s I don't think I will be ranting as much as I was. Well I hope not. I hope it is more a journey of discovery now, rather than a journey of tears, sadness and depression. No one deserves that.
Wednesday, 26 October 2011
Songs for you
Some songs that match how I feel just for you...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZlGPTwNRYtU&feature=youtube_gdata_player
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ykxr0SlVSGM&feature=youtube_gdata_player
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=icmoctIU67g&feature=youtube_gdata_player
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yMuuc_pqx2s&feature=youtube_gdata_player
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZlGPTwNRYtU&feature=youtube_gdata_player
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ykxr0SlVSGM&feature=youtube_gdata_player
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=icmoctIU67g&feature=youtube_gdata_player
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yMuuc_pqx2s&feature=youtube_gdata_player
For you
Just to say if you are reading this then no one hates you. No one is against you. It is your decision and no one can blame you.
They might say that you can still try, you can get through this, if you still love each other then thins will be ok. But at the end of the day it is your decision. You do whatever you think is right.
I would love to say that I will accept this. I don't think I ever will. I know it's my fault and I should have been more for you.
I still think of you like I always did. You are/were the love of my life. You still mean everything to me. No matter what I do I see bits of you everywhere. It is a shame it has come to this.
Although I would say I have been honest in the things you found out, you should never have had to fid them out. I wish I could have spoke to you about them before, but I felt it would have made no difference. I shouldn't have spoke to people behind your back and should have told you about those texts, because above all they meant nothing to me. It was just a joke taken out of context. Which is a shame but I have made you see it that way.
Now I see I should have been more open and less defensive. But hindsight is a wonderful thing.
I just wish when everything is settled and time has passed you have time to really think about what you want.
I will always be here for you and that will never change.
I don't like the way things have turned out but I have to accept it.
I will miss you unconditionally. You were my heart beat. Your family too. They were so good to me.
I love you.
They might say that you can still try, you can get through this, if you still love each other then thins will be ok. But at the end of the day it is your decision. You do whatever you think is right.
I would love to say that I will accept this. I don't think I ever will. I know it's my fault and I should have been more for you.
I still think of you like I always did. You are/were the love of my life. You still mean everything to me. No matter what I do I see bits of you everywhere. It is a shame it has come to this.
Although I would say I have been honest in the things you found out, you should never have had to fid them out. I wish I could have spoke to you about them before, but I felt it would have made no difference. I shouldn't have spoke to people behind your back and should have told you about those texts, because above all they meant nothing to me. It was just a joke taken out of context. Which is a shame but I have made you see it that way.
Now I see I should have been more open and less defensive. But hindsight is a wonderful thing.
I just wish when everything is settled and time has passed you have time to really think about what you want.
I will always be here for you and that will never change.
I don't like the way things have turned out but I have to accept it.
I will miss you unconditionally. You were my heart beat. Your family too. They were so good to me.
I love you.
Tuesday, 25 October 2011
Reflection
Well this has been an eventful day. Tears. Smiles. Tears. Tvs. Footy training.
I will first tell you why so many tears. I was given back all of the stuff I gave my girlfriend for the entire year and s half we were together. That was so hard looking at all that. It felt like I was being erased. Like I was no longer in her head. Well I know I will be, but it really strikes a nerve that I am not wanted any more.
Even little things like a plane ticket stub were given to me. It is unimaginably hard to look at it all. I just broke down. My mum had to hide it all some place. Which I suppose is for the best.
Then I went to see my good friends to talk about everything and get some advice and encouragement. Needless to say they weren't impressed by what I had done, but also sympathetic because they can see how someone could fall into the trap that I did.
Looking for some kind if attention when we were going through a tough time was when it started. They made me see that I was craving the attention that didn't lead to any confrontation. However, this became somewhat an addiction after time. Something that I did in almost a subconscious trance. I didn't even like what I was doing. It is something that I can learn from and confront if I am faced with the situation again.
They also made me see that I have to give my ex her space. If she changes her mind later, or not. She needs to find her feet and let things settle.
As it is her first real anything it is always going to hurt more and all be seen in a bigger light. This is something I have to accept and hope she realises I am still worth taking a risk on. I mean the love is still there, so why can't we work on things like trust?
Anyway, it is time to let the dust settle. Time to find a routine. Time to try and smile again. Even if it is like I have a soul missing.
I will first tell you why so many tears. I was given back all of the stuff I gave my girlfriend for the entire year and s half we were together. That was so hard looking at all that. It felt like I was being erased. Like I was no longer in her head. Well I know I will be, but it really strikes a nerve that I am not wanted any more.
Even little things like a plane ticket stub were given to me. It is unimaginably hard to look at it all. I just broke down. My mum had to hide it all some place. Which I suppose is for the best.
Then I went to see my good friends to talk about everything and get some advice and encouragement. Needless to say they weren't impressed by what I had done, but also sympathetic because they can see how someone could fall into the trap that I did.
Looking for some kind if attention when we were going through a tough time was when it started. They made me see that I was craving the attention that didn't lead to any confrontation. However, this became somewhat an addiction after time. Something that I did in almost a subconscious trance. I didn't even like what I was doing. It is something that I can learn from and confront if I am faced with the situation again.
They also made me see that I have to give my ex her space. If she changes her mind later, or not. She needs to find her feet and let things settle.
As it is her first real anything it is always going to hurt more and all be seen in a bigger light. This is something I have to accept and hope she realises I am still worth taking a risk on. I mean the love is still there, so why can't we work on things like trust?
Anyway, it is time to let the dust settle. Time to find a routine. Time to try and smile again. Even if it is like I have a soul missing.
Counselling
When the love of my life found out about what I did, she was obviously distraught. It was like I had stabbed her in the back. Spat in her face. Betrayed her trust.
I didn't like what I had done. In fact each time I logged on to this specific website to speak to these people, I hated myself. Yet I couldn't stop. It was a type of addiction. I didn't realise what I was doing.
After a few days after finding out she had suggested we go to counselling. Obviously I was sceptical. I mean how can talking to some random person help. How will they be able to get through to both of us.
Well, I was proved wrong.
Even though we only had a couple of sessions I was noticing a big difference in myself. I was really taking note to what I had been doing wrong and trying to improve. I broke that trust and that was something I wanted to change.
I was fighting my defensive side and trying to let her in over anything else. I guess though it was too little too late. Which is a shame because I felt that I had a lot more to give. A lot more to prove. A lot more to show how much she meant to me.
If only I had remembered to tell her about these stupid texts. I wasn't trying to hide them. They were nothing to me. It was just my friends trying to guilt this girl I had hardly met into coming out for our leaving do.
What a stupid oversight this was. They meant nothing, so I forgot. But it is something that I should have told her about none-the-less.
This was the final straw. My downfalls of hiding everything in the past came back to bite me on the butt. In a big way. That was the final straw. The end of the line.
I wish I could turn back time and let her in on everything. I want her to still be my everything. This is why I am a loser. Throwing away all that is dear to me.
I did try and I still want to fight for her love, but it is all a bit late now. Although there might never be a 'too late', I fear she has given up the fight.
I didn't like what I had done. In fact each time I logged on to this specific website to speak to these people, I hated myself. Yet I couldn't stop. It was a type of addiction. I didn't realise what I was doing.
After a few days after finding out she had suggested we go to counselling. Obviously I was sceptical. I mean how can talking to some random person help. How will they be able to get through to both of us.
Well, I was proved wrong.
Even though we only had a couple of sessions I was noticing a big difference in myself. I was really taking note to what I had been doing wrong and trying to improve. I broke that trust and that was something I wanted to change.
I was fighting my defensive side and trying to let her in over anything else. I guess though it was too little too late. Which is a shame because I felt that I had a lot more to give. A lot more to prove. A lot more to show how much she meant to me.
If only I had remembered to tell her about these stupid texts. I wasn't trying to hide them. They were nothing to me. It was just my friends trying to guilt this girl I had hardly met into coming out for our leaving do.
What a stupid oversight this was. They meant nothing, so I forgot. But it is something that I should have told her about none-the-less.
This was the final straw. My downfalls of hiding everything in the past came back to bite me on the butt. In a big way. That was the final straw. The end of the line.
I wish I could turn back time and let her in on everything. I want her to still be my everything. This is why I am a loser. Throwing away all that is dear to me.
I did try and I still want to fight for her love, but it is all a bit late now. Although there might never be a 'too late', I fear she has given up the fight.
The start
I was going to start this blog a few weeks earlier. It was going to be called something along the lines of The Life of a Perennial Fuck Up, but guess what? I fucked up again.
It was going to be about my struggles coming to terms with how stupid I have been and how I found it hard being truly honest to those closest to me. I guess in a way it still can. I clearly still gave these issues, but less people to let in.
My girlfriend, or ex as she is now, was the biggest casualty in all of this. I never intended to get her hurt. I wanted to spend my life with her, but I took her love for granted. I took the best thing in my life and threw it away.
Basically I spoke to people unfaithfully behind her back. So, you will say I deserved all I got. The problem comes when I have no idea why. I was happy. Yet I still had to find a way to ruin it.
I have always had some issues since my first girlfriend, but I thought I was over them. As you can tell now, I clearly wasn't.
So, as I sit here now wondering how to be happy again, I will fill my time by writing all about my problems.
It was going to be about my struggles coming to terms with how stupid I have been and how I found it hard being truly honest to those closest to me. I guess in a way it still can. I clearly still gave these issues, but less people to let in.
My girlfriend, or ex as she is now, was the biggest casualty in all of this. I never intended to get her hurt. I wanted to spend my life with her, but I took her love for granted. I took the best thing in my life and threw it away.
Basically I spoke to people unfaithfully behind her back. So, you will say I deserved all I got. The problem comes when I have no idea why. I was happy. Yet I still had to find a way to ruin it.
I have always had some issues since my first girlfriend, but I thought I was over them. As you can tell now, I clearly wasn't.
So, as I sit here now wondering how to be happy again, I will fill my time by writing all about my problems.
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