It is so weird to think of myself as single now. I am not ready for this. The whole single life. I was far happier in a relationship. Far, far happier.
Don't get me wrong, I brought all this on myself, but I never wished or intended for any of this.
I could be going out and doing whatever, but I don't want to. I am still thinking "lid wouldn't like this," or "I can't do that because it wouldn't be fair." I suppose I am within my rights to, being single and all, but it is not what I want.
It would also be really easy to fall back into bad habits. Again, this is not for me. I did it once and it got me into a place I didn't want to be. If I am serious about changing and being a better person, then that can't be in my life any longer. It shouldn't have been in the first place, but that is why it is a mistake. I fell into it not wanting to get to the stage where it did. That happened and I never want to do that ever again.
As I read somewhere "The most important time to never give up is when it is the hardest. The harder & darker it seems the closer you are to a breakthrough." and this is something that I hope she realises.
It isn't because I don't love her I made these mistakes. That couldn't be further from the truth. I love her more than she can ever know. I just didn't show her enough. That is the part that hurts the most. I really want to show her I value her, but I can't. I couldn't.
I think the reason I did all this was I wanted some gratification and attention, but without the confrontation or I suppose making s big effort. As I started this at a time when there was an argument around every corner, it was a stupid way of getting kicks. Then it snowballed and effectively became a part of my life. A subconscious thing that I did without thinking how far things were snowballing, beyond my control.
So what I am trying to say is I don't like this single life and still want my world to revolve around that small, beautiful, blonde bombshell. She is by far the best thing I ever had in my life and I still love her more than she thinks.
I am not trying to justify what I did, but it doesn't take away the fact that I still love her. That she still means the world to me. I know she probably doesn't see that. She probably thinks I don't love her. She deserves better from me or anyone, but I want to show her I can give her everything and be the man who completes her. No mistakes. No lies. All truth.
"The only person who is truly holding you back is you. No more excuses, it's time to change. It's time to live life at a new level!"
Sunday, 30 October 2011
Saturday, 29 October 2011
Poems From My Heart
I am not sure how these poems will be taken. I wrote them without much editing. But they should cover a lot of what I am feeling. They can be taken however you want to take them, but they go so far as to address some of the thoughts in my head. They may be no good, but at least I gave it a go. There might be more ways of telling these feelings than the ways I have done in these poems, but at the moment they are all I can create without getting massive headaches (as poetry always gives me) and pains of emotions running throughout my body. I hope you like them anyway...
Golden Forrest
The trees on this path have lost their leaves,
I see them lying, strewn across the floor,
Their edges withered, their colour gone,
The saddest picture I ever saw.
Once this path lit up with joy,
Trees glistened with golden hue,
Flowers burst with scents of heaven,
And it always welcomed you.
Now it fights for life,
Left all battered and bruised,
Something bad has happened,
But it never fights to lose.
You can see it’s hurt,
Its heart is blue and black,
But inside it’s full of colour,
Vibrant and true.
I hope it can recover,
There is so much more to see
I want to reach the end and share its wonders with you.
My Wrongs
My stomach keeps churning,
And my mind is a blur.
There are lessons I am learning,
All because of what I did to her.
I made some big mistakes,
And took a lot for granted.
My love was never faked,
Although it might look slanted.
My heart is wholly yours,
And in that there is no lie.
We should have been secure,
And now the end looks nigh.
I miss you more each day,
And all I have is regrets.
For forgiveness I do prey,
But my wrongs I shall never forget.
I want to be who I should have,
And make your heart stop hurting.
To rejoin our two halves,
And our love, the reasserting.
Thinking with my Ed
Just thought I'd post these because they made me think/reflect today. I don't know whether they are relevant but they stirred a feeling deep in me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b226h8fAN6o&feature=youtube_gdata_player
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7EdnpWDDoq0&feature=youtube_gdata_player
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CoHuDaOxCjU&feature=youtube_gdata_player
And this last one just because I miss her and some things are how I am feeling. Not sure if it is exactly right, in context, but it means something to me anyway.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U3NIySFOMQw&feature=youtube_gdata_player
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b226h8fAN6o&feature=youtube_gdata_player
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7EdnpWDDoq0&feature=youtube_gdata_player
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CoHuDaOxCjU&feature=youtube_gdata_player
And this last one just because I miss her and some things are how I am feeling. Not sure if it is exactly right, in context, but it means something to me anyway.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U3NIySFOMQw&feature=youtube_gdata_player
A bad morning
Today is a bad day for me already. It hasn't been a morning to remember. In fact I could say it is one of the worst I have had.
I have been struggling a lot today. Everything has hit me hard. Harder that it has done for a while.
The first time I noticed that it was going to be a real struggle today was as soon as I woke up. I miss waking up with her next to me. There is a big space in the bed. A space that was usually filled by her beautiful, petite figure. Now it is just empty.
I really do miss the times when I would force her to get up. Play with her and mess around having giggles. Pulling the sheet of her and the morning hugs. Getting warm in each others arms.
After coming to reluctantly accept this fact, it was off to football I went. Football on a frost bitten, dew soaked field, that was going to get battered by intermittent rain showers. Just to churn up the mud.
This, as a sub, is not the ideal conditions. It is too cold to be standing around. And when I finally did get on the pitch, I revived a yellow card for being pushed. What a shambles! The referee today was in a world of his own.
So to compound this misery, after the game (we lost 5-1 undeservedly), I went back to the changing rooms and checked my phone. Nothing. No texts. No calls. Nothing.
I used to at least have one text from her, waiting. This made me feel very down. I like to know that I came back and she was thinking of me. It made me feel great. No matter what the text was, at least I felt that there was someone out there who really cared.
So as if I wasn't feeling lonely enough, I just has to take it that one step further down.
I checked twitter, after getting out of my rain soaked, mud splattered kit, and stumbled across a few of her tweets. She was talking about having a bath and relaxing etc. I know it is not something that you think would compound my misery a tad more, but it did.
I just miss the option of us having a bath or shower together. The idea of relaxing, even with a massage, with her is something that always hits me hard. I notice she put that she wanted a massage too. I would gladly give her one all over her body. I miss just running my hands up and down her back/her legs or on her feet to loosen her muscles and put her at ease.
Just lying together on a bed or in a bath with her next to me would be heaven. I loved cuddling her. Having her soft skin pressed against mine. I might not have showed it too often, but I really did love it. It made me feel so good.
Now I have the rest of the day to mull all of this over. The football that is shouting at me from the tv is a giant blur. Nothing can stop me thinking about all of these little things. These things that I should have showed I valued a whole lot more.
If this is it for us, that will be my biggest regret. Not that what I did wouldn't be THE biggest regret, but just not being able to show her how much I loved doing the little things with her would be up there.
So, a free house and nothing to do apart from sink into these thoughts lay await for me today. I will try my best to not let myself get dragged down too much, but I am filled with a million regrets. The best thing I can do now is try and make the most of the moment and not let it spiral out of control.
If only I could go back and change things. Show her what I feel for her. Show her how much I really do love her.
The beauty of hindsight. A wonderfully irritating thing.
I have been struggling a lot today. Everything has hit me hard. Harder that it has done for a while.
The first time I noticed that it was going to be a real struggle today was as soon as I woke up. I miss waking up with her next to me. There is a big space in the bed. A space that was usually filled by her beautiful, petite figure. Now it is just empty.
I really do miss the times when I would force her to get up. Play with her and mess around having giggles. Pulling the sheet of her and the morning hugs. Getting warm in each others arms.
After coming to reluctantly accept this fact, it was off to football I went. Football on a frost bitten, dew soaked field, that was going to get battered by intermittent rain showers. Just to churn up the mud.
This, as a sub, is not the ideal conditions. It is too cold to be standing around. And when I finally did get on the pitch, I revived a yellow card for being pushed. What a shambles! The referee today was in a world of his own.
So to compound this misery, after the game (we lost 5-1 undeservedly), I went back to the changing rooms and checked my phone. Nothing. No texts. No calls. Nothing.
I used to at least have one text from her, waiting. This made me feel very down. I like to know that I came back and she was thinking of me. It made me feel great. No matter what the text was, at least I felt that there was someone out there who really cared.
So as if I wasn't feeling lonely enough, I just has to take it that one step further down.
I checked twitter, after getting out of my rain soaked, mud splattered kit, and stumbled across a few of her tweets. She was talking about having a bath and relaxing etc. I know it is not something that you think would compound my misery a tad more, but it did.
I just miss the option of us having a bath or shower together. The idea of relaxing, even with a massage, with her is something that always hits me hard. I notice she put that she wanted a massage too. I would gladly give her one all over her body. I miss just running my hands up and down her back/her legs or on her feet to loosen her muscles and put her at ease.
Just lying together on a bed or in a bath with her next to me would be heaven. I loved cuddling her. Having her soft skin pressed against mine. I might not have showed it too often, but I really did love it. It made me feel so good.
Now I have the rest of the day to mull all of this over. The football that is shouting at me from the tv is a giant blur. Nothing can stop me thinking about all of these little things. These things that I should have showed I valued a whole lot more.
If this is it for us, that will be my biggest regret. Not that what I did wouldn't be THE biggest regret, but just not being able to show her how much I loved doing the little things with her would be up there.
So, a free house and nothing to do apart from sink into these thoughts lay await for me today. I will try my best to not let myself get dragged down too much, but I am filled with a million regrets. The best thing I can do now is try and make the most of the moment and not let it spiral out of control.
If only I could go back and change things. Show her what I feel for her. Show her how much I really do love her.
The beauty of hindsight. A wonderfully irritating thing.
Friday, 28 October 2011
Friday night musings
As I was sitting there eating my dominos pizza I couldn't help but think "wow. It's Friday night. It's Halloween. Yet I am in." I would have thought that since Breaking up I would have wanted to go out whenever and wherever I can. But strangely, I am happy not doing anything. Sitting in and doing nothing suits me fine.
I know it would be now to go out and have a laugh, but it wouldn't make me any happier on the inside. I know I am single now (well I still don't like to think of it that way. It is too hard to think of yet), but I don't want to be living that life. The worst thing is the life I want to be living and the laughs I want to be having, I messed up.
Coming back to that word: single. It really sets me back. Sends shivers down my spine. It is horrible to think about, but the unfortunate thing is that it's true. Especially now, the time of year when there are so many special occasions. I just want to spend them with someone I love.
An even worse example is; there is this show on tv call an idiot abroad. I haven't watched any of the new series yet because we used to watch it all together. But my nephew, who I am babysitting, loves it so I have to have it on. It is just so hard to think that I am
Not snuggled up with her watching this and laughing at Karl's stupidity. It's just another thing to add to the list of things I wish we could still do.
I am not sure what she thinks about this. But I sure as hell miss every minute. Every minute this goes on my heart sinks more and there is nothing I can do about it. I just hope she doesn't think I am loving life or liking this time to myself. Because it is not true. It is quite possibly the hardest thing I have done.
I just hope I can avoid these feelings around Bon fire night or Christmas, if it goes that far. Because like it or not I have no one to share even the littlest moments with any more. Yes it was my fault, but I just wish and hope everyday that we can make it better. That we can get to a place where we can Be each others best friend again. I know it might be unlikely, but I will fight for it tooth and nail. I still lover her and she is still my world, even if she isn't in mine.
I know it would be now to go out and have a laugh, but it wouldn't make me any happier on the inside. I know I am single now (well I still don't like to think of it that way. It is too hard to think of yet), but I don't want to be living that life. The worst thing is the life I want to be living and the laughs I want to be having, I messed up.
Coming back to that word: single. It really sets me back. Sends shivers down my spine. It is horrible to think about, but the unfortunate thing is that it's true. Especially now, the time of year when there are so many special occasions. I just want to spend them with someone I love.
An even worse example is; there is this show on tv call an idiot abroad. I haven't watched any of the new series yet because we used to watch it all together. But my nephew, who I am babysitting, loves it so I have to have it on. It is just so hard to think that I am
Not snuggled up with her watching this and laughing at Karl's stupidity. It's just another thing to add to the list of things I wish we could still do.
I am not sure what she thinks about this. But I sure as hell miss every minute. Every minute this goes on my heart sinks more and there is nothing I can do about it. I just hope she doesn't think I am loving life or liking this time to myself. Because it is not true. It is quite possibly the hardest thing I have done.
I just hope I can avoid these feelings around Bon fire night or Christmas, if it goes that far. Because like it or not I have no one to share even the littlest moments with any more. Yes it was my fault, but I just wish and hope everyday that we can make it better. That we can get to a place where we can Be each others best friend again. I know it might be unlikely, but I will fight for it tooth and nail. I still lover her and she is still my world, even if she isn't in mine.
What an odd day
I entitled this an odd day because I have just done nothing much but think about things. Good things, bad things, happy things, sad things and Dewi!
Right let's go over the good things first. Start positive. Well I earned myself a few bob by being a taxi and a babysitter, which is brilliant and also have a dominos on the way. I had to sign on as well so that's more money for me. So basically the good things today have mainly centred around me getting some dollar.
Right now onto my sad thoughts. I have been looking at past pictures and just random ones. Not necessarily me and her, but each one I felt really sad about. I know it sounds dull, but I can't be in silly pictures with her or cuddly ones anymore. I really did want to create a collage of our adventures together but that is an idea that had to stop before it started. I have also been thinking about the fun we could be having at Halloween and Bon fire night. It is always nice to spend every occasion with someone you love and this, even if it is going badly, is no exception. I would love nothing more than to stand there my arms wrapped around her, watching all the colours burst into life in the star lit sky.
I also have seen a few things like adverts or clothes or food and can't help thinking I want to tell her about them because she would like them. Well at least I should think she would.
Although I have to look forward and not back it doesn't get easier knowing that the person who i want to spend the rest of time with doesn't want to be with me. And only because of things I have done.
I say this a lot, but I wish I could take it all away. Especially her pain. I would take it all and keep it in me. Let me hurt. She doesn't deserve that.
Well like I said odd. Odd because although I have coasted through on a wave of good vibes, I also have a lot of deep set sadness that isn't going anywhere fast.
Oh and another odd thing is I was visited by Dewi today. He is Barry's answer to Karl Pilkington. Less bald, but just as awkward. A picture of him will follow! It is not to be missed. A true beast.
So here is to thinking the best of things. I just hope it helps. I am willing to do anything. Be that to be happy without her or ecstatic with her. I just need to let this pain dissolve in the waters of time.
P.s. I got the job as manager of second division German side Fürth today on football manager. Definitely a challenge. I got them away with a 2-1 win in my first match so at least that's another positive.
Right let's go over the good things first. Start positive. Well I earned myself a few bob by being a taxi and a babysitter, which is brilliant and also have a dominos on the way. I had to sign on as well so that's more money for me. So basically the good things today have mainly centred around me getting some dollar.
Right now onto my sad thoughts. I have been looking at past pictures and just random ones. Not necessarily me and her, but each one I felt really sad about. I know it sounds dull, but I can't be in silly pictures with her or cuddly ones anymore. I really did want to create a collage of our adventures together but that is an idea that had to stop before it started. I have also been thinking about the fun we could be having at Halloween and Bon fire night. It is always nice to spend every occasion with someone you love and this, even if it is going badly, is no exception. I would love nothing more than to stand there my arms wrapped around her, watching all the colours burst into life in the star lit sky.
I also have seen a few things like adverts or clothes or food and can't help thinking I want to tell her about them because she would like them. Well at least I should think she would.
Although I have to look forward and not back it doesn't get easier knowing that the person who i want to spend the rest of time with doesn't want to be with me. And only because of things I have done.
I say this a lot, but I wish I could take it all away. Especially her pain. I would take it all and keep it in me. Let me hurt. She doesn't deserve that.
Well like I said odd. Odd because although I have coasted through on a wave of good vibes, I also have a lot of deep set sadness that isn't going anywhere fast.
Oh and another odd thing is I was visited by Dewi today. He is Barry's answer to Karl Pilkington. Less bald, but just as awkward. A picture of him will follow! It is not to be missed. A true beast.
So here is to thinking the best of things. I just hope it helps. I am willing to do anything. Be that to be happy without her or ecstatic with her. I just need to let this pain dissolve in the waters of time.
P.s. I got the job as manager of second division German side Fürth today on football manager. Definitely a challenge. I got them away with a 2-1 win in my first match so at least that's another positive.
Some more songs for today
These are just some more songs that show my mood for now
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sJByPs3pG1s&feature=youtube_gdata_player
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=09_c9HUCE64&feature=youtube_gdata_player
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kv_ykdPfBM4&feature=youtube_gdata_player
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mUE5g7usV-Y&feature=youtube_gdata_player
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DR_6csJaAMc&feature=youtube_gdata_player
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sJByPs3pG1s&feature=youtube_gdata_player
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=09_c9HUCE64&feature=youtube_gdata_player
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kv_ykdPfBM4&feature=youtube_gdata_player
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mUE5g7usV-Y&feature=youtube_gdata_player
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DR_6csJaAMc&feature=youtube_gdata_player
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