Back Again

So, here I am. Back again.
Back in this massive hole I keep creating for myself.
You think I would learn.
Learn to appreciate what I have.
Learn to control my brain's urges to clutch for other things.
Learn to just follow the happiness in my heart.
But no.
Alas, I have managed to single handedly ruin what I was content with.
And I mean really, deep down, happy with.
This was meant to be the week that we move in together. I was so looking forward to starting this new chapter in our lives. We were actually going to have our own space to do with what we want. We were going to be a proper family. (I know it would have just been the 2 of us, but still!)
Months of hard work and no money, had all built up to today. This was to be the beginnings of a new life together. The start of something extra special.
Thinking of all these things does not make life any easier. Worst of all, it is down to my mistakes and coping mechanisms that this will now not happen.
It's not like I don't try and ignore the 'What if's', who wouldn't?
But that won't help me overcome my problems. That is what lead me to this point in the first place. If I keep ignoring things and bottling them up, then I will just fall into the same old trap in the future.
I really wish that all could be forgiven and we can work on getting through this horrible time together. That seems very unlikely now. Her mind has been made up and I have to deal with the consequences of my actions.
'Together' is a word that evokes, such strong emotions for me.
When I say it I immediately think of me and her; our home; the fun we used to have; the good and the bad times; the day we got engaged and of course the thought of sharing our lives. All of those things that you want in a relationship. Everything I had.
Now, on the other hand, it just brings up thoughts of loss; of lies; of heartbreak and of spending my life without her (the love of my life).
It has taken me a long time for me to recognise that I have a problem. It is something that I am not proud of and something that I wish I could take back completely. After all, she did not deserve any of this. All she deserved was to be happy and have the wonderful life and partner that she always dreamt of.
It is time for me to figure things out and fix myself. Fix these stupid issues that are holding me back from being the person that I know I can be.
I just wish she could see that I am really fighting.
I just wish she could see that I haven't given up.
I just wish that she could see how much I want to make things right, no matter what it takes.
I know I have betrayed her trust and left her feeling lost. That is something that I never, ever wanted to do, especially to her.
'Time heals', so they say. But Time cannot undo what I have done. Time may help me fix the problems I have inside, but it wont let me re-live the life that I desperately wanted with her.
This may just seem like a page of random ramblings from the heartbroken, but if it helps, it helps.
There are so many thoughts I have going through my head and the best way to confront myself is by doing something like this.
Confront myself, something that I should have done a long time ago. Talk about things. Not to hide and hope things get better.
Now I want to fight those feelings and make it better myself.
Too little, too late you may say. But this is for me. I never want to make these mistakes and feel like this ever again. I do not want to put anyone else or her through anything remotely close to feeling this way.
I am on a journey now. A journey to some sort of 'recovery'. A journey inside myself.
I would give anything to not go through this alone, but I have made this burden for myself. I just hope I can find a way out.