So, here I am. Back again.
Back in this massive hole I keep creating for myself.
You think I would learn.
Learn to appreciate what I have.
Learn to control my brain's urges to clutch for other things.
Learn to just follow the happiness in my heart.
But no.
Alas, I have managed to single handedly ruin what I was content with.
And I mean really, deep down, happy with.
This was meant to be the week that we move in together. I was so looking forward to starting this new chapter in our lives. We were actually going to have our own space to do with what we want. We were going to be a proper family. (I know it would have just been the 2 of us, but still!)
Months of hard work and no money, had all built up to today. This was to be the beginnings of a new life together. The start of something extra special.
Thinking of all these things does not make life any easier. Worst of all, it is down to my mistakes and coping mechanisms that this will now not happen.
It's not like I don't try and ignore the 'What if's', who wouldn't?
But that won't help me overcome my problems. That is what lead me to this point in the first place. If I keep ignoring things and bottling them up, then I will just fall into the same old trap in the future.
I really wish that all could be forgiven and we can work on getting through this horrible time together. That seems very unlikely now. Her mind has been made up and I have to deal with the consequences of my actions.
'Together' is a word that evokes, such strong emotions for me.
When I say it I immediately think of me and her; our home; the fun we used to have; the good and the bad times; the day we got engaged and of course the thought of sharing our lives. All of those things that you want in a relationship. Everything I had.
Now, on the other hand, it just brings up thoughts of loss; of lies; of heartbreak and of spending my life without her (the love of my life).
It has taken me a long time for me to recognise that I have a problem. It is something that I am not proud of and something that I wish I could take back completely. After all, she did not deserve any of this. All she deserved was to be happy and have the wonderful life and partner that she always dreamt of.
It is time for me to figure things out and fix myself. Fix these stupid issues that are holding me back from being the person that I know I can be.
I just wish she could see that I am really fighting.
I just wish she could see that I haven't given up.
I just wish that she could see how much I want to make things right, no matter what it takes.
I know I have betrayed her trust and left her feeling lost. That is something that I never, ever wanted to do, especially to her.
'Time heals', so they say. But Time cannot undo what I have done. Time may help me fix the problems I have inside, but it wont let me re-live the life that I desperately wanted with her.
This may just seem like a page of random ramblings from the heartbroken, but if it helps, it helps.
There are so many thoughts I have going through my head and the best way to confront myself is by doing something like this.
Confront myself, something that I should have done a long time ago. Talk about things. Not to hide and hope things get better.
Now I want to fight those feelings and make it better myself.
Too little, too late you may say. But this is for me. I never want to make these mistakes and feel like this ever again. I do not want to put anyone else or her through anything remotely close to feeling this way.
I am on a journey now. A journey to some sort of 'recovery'. A journey inside myself.
I would give anything to not go through this alone, but I have made this burden for myself. I just hope I can find a way out.
Monday 10 November 2014
Thursday 1 March 2012
My eventful day
As you may tell from the title of this post that my day today might have been really eventful. However, when I say eventful I really mean that there was one big incident that made this day stand out a mile from the rest of the week.
To set the scene; I was in Morrisons car park collecting my nephew from his school bus. (Something I do near enough every week.) It was a sunny day. A day not befitting of the February just passed. Myself and my mother waited for Joseph, in the glare of the luke-warm march sun. As we say there she complained, as always, about the state of my interior and how my girlfriend should clean out all her rubbish from the door.
A gruelling 5 minutes late, he turns up. The bus over shooting its regular 3.47 time slot.
He bundles himself into the back of my car and we proceed to exit the car park. Nothing strange yet.
As I draw nearer the petrol station, I notice that there is a bigger queue than normal so might have to wait a little bit to get out. That is no problem with me. Nothing I can do about that. But this is where things start to get interesting.
The guy at the end of the petrol queue starts to reverse and in the process wave at me manically and gesture at me to move back. (a quick look in my rear-view mirror later, and I can't). I stay steadfast in my position and wait for the guy in front to see sense.
Oh how wrong am I. He then steps frantically out of his car and shouts quite angrily to "bloody move back! Reverse!" Well, that was never going to get a good response.
Now, happy to wind the fool up, I just sit and wait. Looking to see what his next move will be. He tries to reverse as close to me as possible. By this point a space had opened for him to move further in. So I, rather patronisingly, waved him forward. Smiling as I did so.
He didn't like that. No he didn't.
None-the-less, forward Mr. Grumpy went. He left me just enough room to get through.
As we was taking his time I thought if spice things up and give him a nice long parp on my horn. You know, for good measure.
He didn't like that either.
I stooped by his driver side door and myself and my mother gave him a torrent of abuse. He tried to fend his own but he just couldn't. He was clearly too angry and too upset that he couldn't get his way.
I then put my foot slowly down on the accelerator and went on my way back home.
This little confrontation just made my week. As I have nothing to do but wait for a successful job application, it's things like this that make my days worth it.
My mother also enjoyed the experience. Well, kind of. I think it just gave her another thing to moan about to people she speaks too. But it was quite funny.
And my 14 year old nephew, I think it is safe to say found the entire thing rather hilarious. Even if he did look a bit shell-shocked at the time.
So in a nut shell that is my big talking point for the week.
Oh and also I saw another trailer for Call of Duty Modern Warfare 3 with Jonah Hill in it, that made me laugh. They've taken their fictional online players that step further. Just pure genius. I suggest you find it and have a good look. It's just brilliant.
Thanks for reading and I will keep you a little more updated with my future talking points.
Ciao!
To set the scene; I was in Morrisons car park collecting my nephew from his school bus. (Something I do near enough every week.) It was a sunny day. A day not befitting of the February just passed. Myself and my mother waited for Joseph, in the glare of the luke-warm march sun. As we say there she complained, as always, about the state of my interior and how my girlfriend should clean out all her rubbish from the door.
A gruelling 5 minutes late, he turns up. The bus over shooting its regular 3.47 time slot.
He bundles himself into the back of my car and we proceed to exit the car park. Nothing strange yet.
As I draw nearer the petrol station, I notice that there is a bigger queue than normal so might have to wait a little bit to get out. That is no problem with me. Nothing I can do about that. But this is where things start to get interesting.
The guy at the end of the petrol queue starts to reverse and in the process wave at me manically and gesture at me to move back. (a quick look in my rear-view mirror later, and I can't). I stay steadfast in my position and wait for the guy in front to see sense.
Oh how wrong am I. He then steps frantically out of his car and shouts quite angrily to "bloody move back! Reverse!" Well, that was never going to get a good response.
Now, happy to wind the fool up, I just sit and wait. Looking to see what his next move will be. He tries to reverse as close to me as possible. By this point a space had opened for him to move further in. So I, rather patronisingly, waved him forward. Smiling as I did so.
He didn't like that. No he didn't.
None-the-less, forward Mr. Grumpy went. He left me just enough room to get through.
As we was taking his time I thought if spice things up and give him a nice long parp on my horn. You know, for good measure.
He didn't like that either.
I stooped by his driver side door and myself and my mother gave him a torrent of abuse. He tried to fend his own but he just couldn't. He was clearly too angry and too upset that he couldn't get his way.
I then put my foot slowly down on the accelerator and went on my way back home.
This little confrontation just made my week. As I have nothing to do but wait for a successful job application, it's things like this that make my days worth it.
My mother also enjoyed the experience. Well, kind of. I think it just gave her another thing to moan about to people she speaks too. But it was quite funny.
And my 14 year old nephew, I think it is safe to say found the entire thing rather hilarious. Even if he did look a bit shell-shocked at the time.
So in a nut shell that is my big talking point for the week.
Oh and also I saw another trailer for Call of Duty Modern Warfare 3 with Jonah Hill in it, that made me laugh. They've taken their fictional online players that step further. Just pure genius. I suggest you find it and have a good look. It's just brilliant.
Thanks for reading and I will keep you a little more updated with my future talking points.
Ciao!
Saturday 10 December 2011
The strife of getting a job
I know the economy is bad and jobs are hard to come by; I mean you don't have to tell me, I am Mr. Jobseekers Allowance after all. The amount of jobs that I have applied for is absolutely ridiculous. If I had done this 10 years ago then I would like to think I would have walked into a job.
The factor that makes matters worse is that employers can afford to be the most picky group. No matter how good you are, no matter what qualifications you have, they can turn you down on the smallest of points. And this is the shining reason that I can't even have a look in on the most simple minded of jobs.
Case in point would be from my interview the other day. I had to wait around 20 to 25 minutes before I even got called up to the main office. Left wracking and biting my nails in a freezing cold waiting area. But with that out of the way, I had to focus on the task at hand. It was with a part of the NHS and I did my upmost to give off the best and most employable impression I could. I answered every question as honestly and conscientiously as I could and even covered points that weren't even asked. I made myself approachable, friendly and down to earth, yet professional, focussed and willing to achieve. I gave myself every opportunity I could to sell my main attributes, whilst skilfully trying to down play my flaws.
After all was said and done I felt pretty proud and pleased of what I had said and the answers that were given, even struck up some friendly banter. As the goodbyes were said, the gentleman that had been interviewing me quietly said, "off the record, that was an excellent interview." Not good, no no, excellent. The only thought through my mind at this point was wow. Excellent. For me the job was done. To say that too me, well I must have nailed it. That job has my name all over it.
Fast forward 3 hours and the results are in. Sitting there in my inbox. Looking at me. Staring. Is this it? Is this my lifeline?..."unfortunately...." What?! No. No job for me? What? How can this be? I was excellent. Excellent he said. The person who got that job had to either be absolutely outstanding or have a tad more experience. Or...it is my destiny to not get a job. My cash is now non existent and my ambition is ebbing away.
I have one more interview before the turn of the year and hopefully this is the one to save me from oblivion. I am sinking without a trace. A well educated, skilled, hard working individual that is willing to do the best he can at anything and no one wants me. While I bet these benefit grabbing, lazy louts just walk into some form of employment.
Forget the euro zone crisis, let's look at the employment crisis. More importantly the get Sam into work crisis.
The factor that makes matters worse is that employers can afford to be the most picky group. No matter how good you are, no matter what qualifications you have, they can turn you down on the smallest of points. And this is the shining reason that I can't even have a look in on the most simple minded of jobs.
Case in point would be from my interview the other day. I had to wait around 20 to 25 minutes before I even got called up to the main office. Left wracking and biting my nails in a freezing cold waiting area. But with that out of the way, I had to focus on the task at hand. It was with a part of the NHS and I did my upmost to give off the best and most employable impression I could. I answered every question as honestly and conscientiously as I could and even covered points that weren't even asked. I made myself approachable, friendly and down to earth, yet professional, focussed and willing to achieve. I gave myself every opportunity I could to sell my main attributes, whilst skilfully trying to down play my flaws.
After all was said and done I felt pretty proud and pleased of what I had said and the answers that were given, even struck up some friendly banter. As the goodbyes were said, the gentleman that had been interviewing me quietly said, "off the record, that was an excellent interview." Not good, no no, excellent. The only thought through my mind at this point was wow. Excellent. For me the job was done. To say that too me, well I must have nailed it. That job has my name all over it.
Fast forward 3 hours and the results are in. Sitting there in my inbox. Looking at me. Staring. Is this it? Is this my lifeline?..."unfortunately...." What?! No. No job for me? What? How can this be? I was excellent. Excellent he said. The person who got that job had to either be absolutely outstanding or have a tad more experience. Or...it is my destiny to not get a job. My cash is now non existent and my ambition is ebbing away.
I have one more interview before the turn of the year and hopefully this is the one to save me from oblivion. I am sinking without a trace. A well educated, skilled, hard working individual that is willing to do the best he can at anything and no one wants me. While I bet these benefit grabbing, lazy louts just walk into some form of employment.
Forget the euro zone crisis, let's look at the employment crisis. More importantly the get Sam into work crisis.
Sunday 30 October 2011
Single Life
It is so weird to think of myself as single now. I am not ready for this. The whole single life. I was far happier in a relationship. Far, far happier.
Don't get me wrong, I brought all this on myself, but I never wished or intended for any of this.
I could be going out and doing whatever, but I don't want to. I am still thinking "lid wouldn't like this," or "I can't do that because it wouldn't be fair." I suppose I am within my rights to, being single and all, but it is not what I want.
It would also be really easy to fall back into bad habits. Again, this is not for me. I did it once and it got me into a place I didn't want to be. If I am serious about changing and being a better person, then that can't be in my life any longer. It shouldn't have been in the first place, but that is why it is a mistake. I fell into it not wanting to get to the stage where it did. That happened and I never want to do that ever again.
As I read somewhere "The most important time to never give up is when it is the hardest. The harder & darker it seems the closer you are to a breakthrough." and this is something that I hope she realises.
It isn't because I don't love her I made these mistakes. That couldn't be further from the truth. I love her more than she can ever know. I just didn't show her enough. That is the part that hurts the most. I really want to show her I value her, but I can't. I couldn't.
I think the reason I did all this was I wanted some gratification and attention, but without the confrontation or I suppose making s big effort. As I started this at a time when there was an argument around every corner, it was a stupid way of getting kicks. Then it snowballed and effectively became a part of my life. A subconscious thing that I did without thinking how far things were snowballing, beyond my control.
So what I am trying to say is I don't like this single life and still want my world to revolve around that small, beautiful, blonde bombshell. She is by far the best thing I ever had in my life and I still love her more than she thinks.
I am not trying to justify what I did, but it doesn't take away the fact that I still love her. That she still means the world to me. I know she probably doesn't see that. She probably thinks I don't love her. She deserves better from me or anyone, but I want to show her I can give her everything and be the man who completes her. No mistakes. No lies. All truth.
"The only person who is truly holding you back is you. No more excuses, it's time to change. It's time to live life at a new level!"
Don't get me wrong, I brought all this on myself, but I never wished or intended for any of this.
I could be going out and doing whatever, but I don't want to. I am still thinking "lid wouldn't like this," or "I can't do that because it wouldn't be fair." I suppose I am within my rights to, being single and all, but it is not what I want.
It would also be really easy to fall back into bad habits. Again, this is not for me. I did it once and it got me into a place I didn't want to be. If I am serious about changing and being a better person, then that can't be in my life any longer. It shouldn't have been in the first place, but that is why it is a mistake. I fell into it not wanting to get to the stage where it did. That happened and I never want to do that ever again.
As I read somewhere "The most important time to never give up is when it is the hardest. The harder & darker it seems the closer you are to a breakthrough." and this is something that I hope she realises.
It isn't because I don't love her I made these mistakes. That couldn't be further from the truth. I love her more than she can ever know. I just didn't show her enough. That is the part that hurts the most. I really want to show her I value her, but I can't. I couldn't.
I think the reason I did all this was I wanted some gratification and attention, but without the confrontation or I suppose making s big effort. As I started this at a time when there was an argument around every corner, it was a stupid way of getting kicks. Then it snowballed and effectively became a part of my life. A subconscious thing that I did without thinking how far things were snowballing, beyond my control.
So what I am trying to say is I don't like this single life and still want my world to revolve around that small, beautiful, blonde bombshell. She is by far the best thing I ever had in my life and I still love her more than she thinks.
I am not trying to justify what I did, but it doesn't take away the fact that I still love her. That she still means the world to me. I know she probably doesn't see that. She probably thinks I don't love her. She deserves better from me or anyone, but I want to show her I can give her everything and be the man who completes her. No mistakes. No lies. All truth.
"The only person who is truly holding you back is you. No more excuses, it's time to change. It's time to live life at a new level!"
Saturday 29 October 2011
Poems From My Heart
I am not sure how these poems will be taken. I wrote them without much editing. But they should cover a lot of what I am feeling. They can be taken however you want to take them, but they go so far as to address some of the thoughts in my head. They may be no good, but at least I gave it a go. There might be more ways of telling these feelings than the ways I have done in these poems, but at the moment they are all I can create without getting massive headaches (as poetry always gives me) and pains of emotions running throughout my body. I hope you like them anyway...
Golden Forrest
The trees on this path have lost their leaves,
I see them lying, strewn across the floor,
Their edges withered, their colour gone,
The saddest picture I ever saw.
Once this path lit up with joy,
Trees glistened with golden hue,
Flowers burst with scents of heaven,
And it always welcomed you.
Now it fights for life,
Left all battered and bruised,
Something bad has happened,
But it never fights to lose.
You can see it’s hurt,
Its heart is blue and black,
But inside it’s full of colour,
Vibrant and true.
I hope it can recover,
There is so much more to see
I want to reach the end and share its wonders with you.
My Wrongs
My stomach keeps churning,
And my mind is a blur.
There are lessons I am learning,
All because of what I did to her.
I made some big mistakes,
And took a lot for granted.
My love was never faked,
Although it might look slanted.
My heart is wholly yours,
And in that there is no lie.
We should have been secure,
And now the end looks nigh.
I miss you more each day,
And all I have is regrets.
For forgiveness I do prey,
But my wrongs I shall never forget.
I want to be who I should have,
And make your heart stop hurting.
To rejoin our two halves,
And our love, the reasserting.
Thinking with my Ed
Just thought I'd post these because they made me think/reflect today. I don't know whether they are relevant but they stirred a feeling deep in me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b226h8fAN6o&feature=youtube_gdata_player
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7EdnpWDDoq0&feature=youtube_gdata_player
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CoHuDaOxCjU&feature=youtube_gdata_player
And this last one just because I miss her and some things are how I am feeling. Not sure if it is exactly right, in context, but it means something to me anyway.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U3NIySFOMQw&feature=youtube_gdata_player
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b226h8fAN6o&feature=youtube_gdata_player
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7EdnpWDDoq0&feature=youtube_gdata_player
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CoHuDaOxCjU&feature=youtube_gdata_player
And this last one just because I miss her and some things are how I am feeling. Not sure if it is exactly right, in context, but it means something to me anyway.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U3NIySFOMQw&feature=youtube_gdata_player
A bad morning
Today is a bad day for me already. It hasn't been a morning to remember. In fact I could say it is one of the worst I have had.
I have been struggling a lot today. Everything has hit me hard. Harder that it has done for a while.
The first time I noticed that it was going to be a real struggle today was as soon as I woke up. I miss waking up with her next to me. There is a big space in the bed. A space that was usually filled by her beautiful, petite figure. Now it is just empty.
I really do miss the times when I would force her to get up. Play with her and mess around having giggles. Pulling the sheet of her and the morning hugs. Getting warm in each others arms.
After coming to reluctantly accept this fact, it was off to football I went. Football on a frost bitten, dew soaked field, that was going to get battered by intermittent rain showers. Just to churn up the mud.
This, as a sub, is not the ideal conditions. It is too cold to be standing around. And when I finally did get on the pitch, I revived a yellow card for being pushed. What a shambles! The referee today was in a world of his own.
So to compound this misery, after the game (we lost 5-1 undeservedly), I went back to the changing rooms and checked my phone. Nothing. No texts. No calls. Nothing.
I used to at least have one text from her, waiting. This made me feel very down. I like to know that I came back and she was thinking of me. It made me feel great. No matter what the text was, at least I felt that there was someone out there who really cared.
So as if I wasn't feeling lonely enough, I just has to take it that one step further down.
I checked twitter, after getting out of my rain soaked, mud splattered kit, and stumbled across a few of her tweets. She was talking about having a bath and relaxing etc. I know it is not something that you think would compound my misery a tad more, but it did.
I just miss the option of us having a bath or shower together. The idea of relaxing, even with a massage, with her is something that always hits me hard. I notice she put that she wanted a massage too. I would gladly give her one all over her body. I miss just running my hands up and down her back/her legs or on her feet to loosen her muscles and put her at ease.
Just lying together on a bed or in a bath with her next to me would be heaven. I loved cuddling her. Having her soft skin pressed against mine. I might not have showed it too often, but I really did love it. It made me feel so good.
Now I have the rest of the day to mull all of this over. The football that is shouting at me from the tv is a giant blur. Nothing can stop me thinking about all of these little things. These things that I should have showed I valued a whole lot more.
If this is it for us, that will be my biggest regret. Not that what I did wouldn't be THE biggest regret, but just not being able to show her how much I loved doing the little things with her would be up there.
So, a free house and nothing to do apart from sink into these thoughts lay await for me today. I will try my best to not let myself get dragged down too much, but I am filled with a million regrets. The best thing I can do now is try and make the most of the moment and not let it spiral out of control.
If only I could go back and change things. Show her what I feel for her. Show her how much I really do love her.
The beauty of hindsight. A wonderfully irritating thing.
I have been struggling a lot today. Everything has hit me hard. Harder that it has done for a while.
The first time I noticed that it was going to be a real struggle today was as soon as I woke up. I miss waking up with her next to me. There is a big space in the bed. A space that was usually filled by her beautiful, petite figure. Now it is just empty.
I really do miss the times when I would force her to get up. Play with her and mess around having giggles. Pulling the sheet of her and the morning hugs. Getting warm in each others arms.
After coming to reluctantly accept this fact, it was off to football I went. Football on a frost bitten, dew soaked field, that was going to get battered by intermittent rain showers. Just to churn up the mud.
This, as a sub, is not the ideal conditions. It is too cold to be standing around. And when I finally did get on the pitch, I revived a yellow card for being pushed. What a shambles! The referee today was in a world of his own.
So to compound this misery, after the game (we lost 5-1 undeservedly), I went back to the changing rooms and checked my phone. Nothing. No texts. No calls. Nothing.
I used to at least have one text from her, waiting. This made me feel very down. I like to know that I came back and she was thinking of me. It made me feel great. No matter what the text was, at least I felt that there was someone out there who really cared.
So as if I wasn't feeling lonely enough, I just has to take it that one step further down.
I checked twitter, after getting out of my rain soaked, mud splattered kit, and stumbled across a few of her tweets. She was talking about having a bath and relaxing etc. I know it is not something that you think would compound my misery a tad more, but it did.
I just miss the option of us having a bath or shower together. The idea of relaxing, even with a massage, with her is something that always hits me hard. I notice she put that she wanted a massage too. I would gladly give her one all over her body. I miss just running my hands up and down her back/her legs or on her feet to loosen her muscles and put her at ease.
Just lying together on a bed or in a bath with her next to me would be heaven. I loved cuddling her. Having her soft skin pressed against mine. I might not have showed it too often, but I really did love it. It made me feel so good.
Now I have the rest of the day to mull all of this over. The football that is shouting at me from the tv is a giant blur. Nothing can stop me thinking about all of these little things. These things that I should have showed I valued a whole lot more.
If this is it for us, that will be my biggest regret. Not that what I did wouldn't be THE biggest regret, but just not being able to show her how much I loved doing the little things with her would be up there.
So, a free house and nothing to do apart from sink into these thoughts lay await for me today. I will try my best to not let myself get dragged down too much, but I am filled with a million regrets. The best thing I can do now is try and make the most of the moment and not let it spiral out of control.
If only I could go back and change things. Show her what I feel for her. Show her how much I really do love her.
The beauty of hindsight. A wonderfully irritating thing.
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